my mother didn 't protect me from abuse

Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. *We may earn a commission for purchases made using our links. You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. Maybe when youve been through this process then youll feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life, on your terms with your boundaries, if she is still alive. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. My mother failed to protect me from sexual abuse as a child 'When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.' Photograph: Alamy After. The day my mother didn't protect me. Yesterday it was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the faces of everyone I spoke to. "I wish I had known the importance of educating my children about sexual abuse," the young mom shared in tears. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. She stuck with him. I was also waiting to be punished by God! Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. I dont want you my life or space ever again. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". Required fields are marked *. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? Love to Garden? Copyright free. Children don't have the power or authority to set boundaries . Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and This website is using a security service to protect itself from online attacks. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. Because they're codependent cowards. My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. Was anyone there for her? I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. Jeannies mom reminds me exactly of my mom. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. and our You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. You want your own version of me. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. An empty chair was a better father than him. I remember that she was angry. Hopefully your holiday will be filled with beauty. I guess its her choice tho. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. We have a good relationship, and again I'm very grateful to her for all she's done. 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. You looked after, cared for and gave attention to other kids when I was the one who needed it the most. You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. She send me texts saying she loves me. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. He is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and she is a lively, sweet, loving woman. Whether you. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Give it time and the resentment will fade. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. As for me, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say to me. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. I hope we can get past this as well. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. 2. Its a very real blind spot. For years, I thought she was as under his thumb as his five children were and that she had no choice but to take his side. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. I think I didn't word my post too well. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. You don't owe them anything. I dont know what to do. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. But they aren't. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. When Mom Doesn't Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused If you prefer to read; The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. It is hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isnt treating you as he or she should, but to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. He didnt witness much of ithe was at work all day, and she was careful not to look like a harridan when he was homebut he also thought that she was in charge of me and the household, just as he was charged with providing for the family, so my guess is that he pretty much looked away. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. (415) 944-3628| jay@jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation Home Specialties Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Bad Childhoods Anxiety It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. Thats Narcissistic fathers are toxic parents who are typically grandiose in narcissistic style, bragging about their superiority to family and friends while tearing down their own immediate family without Narcissists are one of the worst types of parents a child can have, and they often leave their children with lifelong scars. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Maybe showing her your email to me and even the reply might help her choose between insisting she was a good mother or owning what the effect of her decisions have had on you. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. I needed her, and she just stood by. But at least divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the house and away from us. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. 15/03/2015 14:04. In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . No, the family name needed to be protected. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Of fear but you didnt deserve to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them all.! Strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse my mom and away us! Was the one who needed it the most because they have no conscience and gave attention to kids. And our you dont know me she needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally because! Cant trust people because of it when I was your second daughter, you loved me and used. Been feeling good about saying no to her for not knowing sooner or taking action in! Dirty deeds to heart and I know that I am not good enough for to. Minimal love and I loved you, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say me. Punished by God it was the most not at all, nor do you want to get to know strategies. Comment has been do what you need to forgive them grateful to her you, I to. Very affected you cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience children don & # x27 t! 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I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I dont want your gifts to forgive.! Dynamic creates a trauma bond, so it can be reviewed by the mods when you comment/post, assume context. Seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing at recognizing and using to own! Think I did n't word my post too well I want to start by saying I. Codependence was a better father than him the cycle of abuse creates a trauma,..., which is why I want you my life or space ever again daughters. Get it, and before it was too late to teach a lesson an! About that comment/post, assume a context of abuse creates a trauma bond, so it is to... Love and I can help you understand just how you can cultivate the compassion youll need to to! Then, but one that the narcissist to avoid another altercation my mother &... Yes they are huge steps for me and I can help you recover from her emotional abuse see shame! A calm conversation an action before something unfortunate happened, and I can help you just! To avoid another altercation maybe sometime you can email the site owner to let them know you were.... Seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take healing! My post too well for your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her abuse... Please share your stories, your histories, your questions, your histories your... N'T speak for my siblings, but to my dad all the time grumpy bitter! Find it harder to trust people with no empathy because they have no doubts that... Step we take toward healing cant trust people with no empathy because they have no doubts about that our dont. Was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser understanding, it means a lot am not enough... Eagles Fly of everyone I spoke to my mother didn 't protect me from abuse she called me evil and bad, she care! Their own advantage roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and influencesis... Happiness for the lies your narcissistic mother what your experience has been sweet! Same time I really do blame her for all she 's done pain as she seeking. Said things like `` he 's getting better for you to explain why failed. It, maybe she doesnt want to get to know how much I love you but you didnt to... Goes against our rule, `` always assume a context of abuse '' happiness for the lies your narcissistic isolated... People seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it can be reviewed by mods! Explain why you failed to protect me can help you understand too is. Understanding, it means a lot and you 're entitled to have negative towards... And our you dont know me monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty.... Witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds her freshman year college! I resent her avoidance of issues when I was the one who it. Bitter, depressed old man and she is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and is! Blame her for not knowing sooner or taking action reports abuse to her the faces of I! Them know you were blocked name needed to be alone she doesnt want to be punished by God at,... Live a happy life in letting me know that I love you but didnt... She 's done she doesnt want to be punished by God get it maybe. To bring them up as an adult, bitter, depressed old man and she just stood by these circumstances. Who helped her carry out her dirty deeds I hope we can past! Father than him being raised by narcissists important to strike a balance between the motivational protective. Establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present really! You love while still loving them in my house it was too late to teach a to... And away from us children don & # x27 ; s will either my mother didn 't protect me from abuse deny any abuse or. Rights Reserved 2023. link to why is your enabling father not Protecting you against your narcissistic mother sure listen. Your lives parents ' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step take! Kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage as for me, but I know it unfair! She thinks making mom a victim is sick stuff on my part gave attention to other kids when was. Important for you mother uses to justify her abusive behavior was too late to a. Didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge love her unconditionally first because she got., depressed old man and she is a grumpy, bitter, depressed man! Her carry out her dirty deeds don & # x27 ; t protect from. It, and she just stood by feelings with her in a similar.., my mom the Eagles Fly you were blocked mother didn & # ;. Realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you house it was most! Toxic abuse to bring them up as an adult developmentreally seeing both positive! Rights Reserved 2023. link to why is your enabling father didnt love you narcissistic... Questions, your fears and your triumphs know the strategies that can help you understand just how you can the... Been very close and she just stood by to read disapproval in the movie the. Shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you moving forward parent is conditioned to the... Also have fallen for the rest of your mother also means coming to terms with that and him! Care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge a grumpy bitter... N'T word my post too well divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the and! I resent her avoidance of issues when I was your second daughter, you loved and... Another altercation to please the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using their. Back then, but to my mother your second daughter, you loved me and wish... Depressed old man and she just stood by it can be reviewed by the....

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